dirty rotten scoundrels

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The newspapers are full of it, the news dedicates thirty minutes to it and political analysts are wetting themselves when they… well, analyze it. What am I talking about? The political event of the year of course! I mean, it’s only every few years that a new president is elected to the White House. I’m sure you’re aware of the ongoing battle between a black man and a white woman for the Democratic nomination (as middle America cries out in protest), but regardless of who eventually wins through in November, what does it matter to us?

Believe me, it matters a hell of a lot given that whoever gets the vote gets to run the world for the next 4 years. George W Bush got to run the world for 8 years despite not getting the popular vote and look what happened there!

So what is the difference between Clinton, Obama and McCain. You’d be forgiven for not knowing because all they seem to do at this time of an election year is throw mud at each other and hope some of it sticks. They don’t make a lot of sense to the common man like you and me unless you really pay attention. So I’m here to help you out. Instead of listening to them all you have to do is keep on reading!

The Issues

1. Abortion – Clinton has a clear cut position on this – pro-choice all the way and good for her. After all, who in Washington has the right to tell a woman that they have never met what she should or should not do with her body? A brave woman chooses to bring up a rapist’s baby; a coward in office refuses to meet her despite telling her what to do. Big brother gone mad if you ask me. Obama has steered clear of the issue because it may affect his ability to get women to give him a blowjob if he gets into office (whoops, sorry… got confused there with all this Clinton talk). McCain, on the other hand, wants to ban all abortions, including those called upon in cases of incest. Oh, just think ahead to future years – a nation of retards and rednecks, yay!

2. Gays – Clinton doesn’t care which way you swing it as long as it’s kept away from her Bill, Obama doesn’t really believe in homosexuality as a choice but is supposed to be a Democrat so he’s putting up with it for now. McCain wants to shoot them all. ‘Nuff said!

3. The Economy – We’re all doomed anyway so what does the economy matter? They’ll all be as bad as each other because they can be safely ensconced in their mansions while the rest of us starve, so why should the economy even be an issue. The day that one of them moves to Detroit and lives in a shack in the drive by district will be the day they start to care.

4. War – Did Clinton vote to go into Iraq? Yes she did. Was it a mistake? Yes it was. Does she regret it now? Boy oh boy does she! Obama, the guy who wears terrorist garb, condemned her for her choice but at least she can admit when she’s been wrong, unlike the men. Obama, yet again has no opinion, other than what Hillary said was wrong. This guy doesn’t seem to have any opinions at all, which should be a bundle of fun when it comes to him ruling the country because no doubt he’d suddenly grow puppet strings! McCain… well, he just loves the smell of Napalm in the morning. Bomb them all! Iraq, Afghanistan… it doesn’t matter, just send in the bombers!

5. Gun Control – Let’s face it, it doesn’t really matter where they stand because the Constitution states that you can own a gun anyway, regardless of how many people you have killed and drive by shootings you’ve been involved with. However, if you do like to tote a gun because it’s some kind of extension to your dick then you should vote for McCain. Obama and Clinton both want tighter controls and McCain doesn’t. No doubt Charlton Heston will soon be on his NRA soapbox, no matter how much the rest of us hope he shuts up and leaves us all the hell alone.

The Conclusion

The moral of the story – no matter who gets into the White House, we’re all screwed anyway. It just depends if you want to settle for bad, worse or a dementia patient.