dirty rotten scoundrels

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In movies, we’re always shown the most daring and well-planned of bank robberies. Where criminals use the most complicated and high-tech methods available. But what about the robbers without access to high-tech gadgets? What about the ones that don’t even have access to intelligence? In this post, I’ll list 10 examples of the dumber criminals to have thought a life of crime was better than getting a few credit cards. So here they are, in no particular order:

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, spent six months in prison following an unsuccessful attempt to rob a jewelry store by sawing through the protective window-bars with an electric chainsaw. Her defense lawyer pleaded that no damage had actually been done, however, as Joachimi had failed to plug the chainsaw into an electric point.

Three men attempted to rob a bank in Scotland in August, 1975. As they were checking out the location in order to plan their robbery, they became stuck in the bank’s revolving doors and had to be helped out by the staff. They returned minutes later, declaring they were going to rob the bank. Unfortunately for them, none of the staff believed them and they all thought it was a prank, even when the robbers demanded £5,000 in cash (just under $10,000) from customers savings accounts. They decided to take the money themselves, and one man jumped over the teller’s counter, but fell to the floor, grabbing his ankle. Having failed to rob the bank, they were quickly caught as they became stuck in the revolving door as they tried to make a getaway.

In Florida, a man made a daring armed robbery, but it seemed the only danger he posed was to himself as he decided to hold his gun the wrong way round. Security footage showed the man holding the gun incorrectly and he appeared to be afraid of it, as if he may accidentally cause it to fire without warning. At some points during the robbery, he could be seen to actually be pointing the gun at himself. Police believe the gun was not a fake, as they were surprised that someone would be so afraid of a toy gun.

Earlier this year, a man from New Zealand found a brave new place to stash his stolen loot. In his anus. Michael Geoffrey Linn, 36, gained entry to the bank and then proceeded to pass a note to the teller, asking her to fill up a bag with money. As she was doing this, Linn declared that he was sorry and that he was “very, very desperate”. Later that day, a fire was reported near a lake, and as police investigated the fire, they found that the clothing and papers in the fire belonged to Linn, who had tried to burn his clothes using gasoline from his car. Stupidly, Linn had also used papers containing his name and address on them, allowing police to track him down and apprehend him. Police took Linn to the station, where it was discovered that there was a rustling noise coming from somewhere near his rear and an officer removed a roll of notes from Linn’s ass, confirming his guilt.

A 19 year old criminal and carjacker is held on a $50,000 bond and charged with aggravated robbery following his latest crime in Cleveland, as he stopped to ask a nearby television crew for directions. As the car pulled up and the passenger asked for directions to a bank, the driver motioned that the passenger was holding him at gunpoint, and the reporter quickly called the police. Ironically, the newswoman and photographer were at the time doing a sidewalk report on bank problems in the area.

It’s never a good idea to rob a bank in your home town, especially when you leave behind your real name and address at the scene of the crime, which is what happened in downtown McAllen, TX. Maria Garcia, 33, handed the bank teller a robbery note which also had her real name and address written on the back. It turns out that she had used the back of a completed food stamp application form to write the note on. After Garcia fled the scene the bank manager found the note, which lead to police tracking down Garcia at her address and arresting her within two hours of the robbery.

Sandy Springs, GA - Channel Monae Gaskin, 22, was arrested hours after robbing a bank because she was waiting for a bus to make her getaway in. She then went on to tell police that she had even done the same thing before! She had walked into a bank, with no weapon, and asked for money. The teller then handed over some money and Gaskin went on her way, only to have hidden dye packets explode, covering her in an orange dye. She then hid in a grocery store toilet, and tried to stash both her clothes and the stolen cash. A police officer then spotted the suspect waiting at a bus stop in order to escape the area. When asked why she thought she could get away on public transportation, Gaskin then told the officer that she’d done it before and admitted to robbing another bank in a nearby county.

A man from England was arrested after his fifth attempt to rob a bank ended in embarrassing failure yet again. Terence Cole, 50, was jailed for nine and a half years after he left behind a fingerprint at the scene of a crime. Cole had forgotten to wear gloves to the robbery, and as he warned a teller: “you better not lock me in” he pressed against the teller’s glass screen with his finger. Cole’s other attempts at robbery include running into a bank while wearing a scarf to hide his face and shouting for money, only to have the scarf fall off, revealing his face. At another bank, the teller he was trying to rob activated the security shutter, separating him from the cash. He then discarded a piece of his clothing in a nearby toilet, a piece of clothing which contained the name and address of someone he lived with, allowing police to track down his location. In all of his robbery attempts, Cole was seen wearing a brightly-colored construction worker’s jacket, which made him noticeable, and he was arrested while wearing this jacket as he stood outside the next bank he was planning to rob. The jacket also helped witnesses to identify him at the police station.

In Virginia, a man broke into the basement of the bank he intended to rob from. After he’d broken a window to enter, he accidentally cut himself quite badly on the broken glass. At the same time, he realized that not only was he bleeding quite badly, but he was unable to make his escape from inside the bank. Unsure of what to do in his situation, he dialed 911. He was quickly arrested.

San Francisco - A 35 year old man decided he would try to rob from a local Bank of America by writing a robbery note which he would then hand to the teller. The note read: “This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”. But worried that someone in the bank had seen him write the note, he decided to rob the bank across the street. As the teller read his note, she guessed that from the poor spelling, that he wasn’t the most intelligent of men. She told the man that as he’d written his note on a Bank of America deposit slip, she was unable to accept it and that he’d have to go back to the Bank of America where he could access his current account. The man sighed and left. The teller then called the police and the would-be robber was arrested as he stood at the back of the line in the Bank of America.